There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Say something about gay babies.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
