I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
