we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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