I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just threw up on my dentist
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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