I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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