sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
