Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
