I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize