i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
