they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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