Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
