Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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