sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
