FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
