Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
