oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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