I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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