is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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