I hate your face
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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