you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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