bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Randomize
