That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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