based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
