i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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