hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
