omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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