Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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