woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
