someone owes me an orgasm
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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