what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
