Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
