This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
