She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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