Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
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