My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
