wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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