Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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