i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
