This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
