sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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