I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
