I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
