when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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