so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
