im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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