I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
