Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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