he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Success! We fucked roommates!
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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