bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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