at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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