Well apparently he's into motor boating.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Too much gin, very little bucket
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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