Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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