She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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