apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
His nipple licking is glorious
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