Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
