weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
